Postsecret

Okay, I know that www.postsecret.com is supposed to by anonymous. Well, since one of my friends found me out, I figured that maybe everyone should just know, too.

I sent in a postcard that was a picture of my friend Lucky. The caption on the photo read "Even though your heart saved someone's life...I wish it was still beating inside of you." And the picture was one that I took of Lucky myself, in the back room of India House - he's showing off his pipes. He was so proud of his big arms - always flexing and making people touch them haha.

I don't know how I feel about having this secret posted. It's totally insane to me that so many people are going to be reading this postcard and feeling...whatever it is they will feel. When I myself look at my own card, I feel so sad. I'm so glad that it's up there and that I sent it in. And I do know that there will be viewers that can relate, obviously since some people have written comments. And that is just mind-blowing to me that this little statement of mine, this small personal sentiment, has caused someone somewhere to feel something.

And honestly I didn't even know that this card would make it on to the website. I even sent it, like, a week ago. I had thought about it for a long time - what can I do to show that I miss my friend. And, you know, it did make me feel better mailing that card. I wouldn't have thought that it would be hard at all to just throw it in the mailbox and let that be the end of it. But then again, I'm giving away a part of myself - making myself vulnerable to anyone I know who frequents that site...because I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me will know that I'm the one who sent that card in.

But there shouldn't really be anything wrong with expressing your feelings and thoughts. And I think about Lucky a lot and just wonder...where he is! I don't have a concrete belief in what happens after we die, so it makes me ponder where my buddy is. Sometimes I do become quite philosophical and wonder about this world, this life, this universe...I hope one day I will figure it all out. And I hope that one day I will see my friend Lucky again.

Because in all honesty, I don't understand death at all. When I interact with humans, I'm almost blown away by the fact that we can communicate, share thoughts, share feelings, share love, express ourselves...even on the most basic or the briefest of levels. So to think that all that can be snuffed out, be gone, be demolished...it's so mind-boggling to me. I can't wrap my mind around it, and so for myself it's easier to just excuse it all and say that the people I know who have died have just gone away for a long time.

Except the thing is...I told myself that about Lucky...and at this point, I'm ready for him to come back. And that's the saddest part - because whatever you tell yourself to make things better, it's not enough to replace what you lost. That hole in your heart will always be there...and the more you live, the more you gain AND lose...and that hole will shrink and expand every single day.

But that's life. And I have to say that I feel the most alive when my feelings are at their peak, be it life or death. I wish so bad it was all about feeling the intricacies of living things...but it's not. That sting of death and loss and hurt always finds its way in, somehow, to remind you.

As long as we always keep remembering the happiness as more important than the sadness, then we can at least stay afloat. And we have to try to keep each other happy, too. We should all have the responsibility to make this world a better place.

Peace, and God bless.

www.postsecret.com