Packing it in...

So I've decided to move home...

The finality of my decision is really sinking in tonight and I feel really quite sad about it.

There were a lot of factors that went into why I decided to go back to Canada. Of course I made my huge list of pros and cons. It seems like the reasons for going back to Canada just seemed to make a lot more sense and carry more weight than the reasons for staying. But it's just so hard to say how I will feel four months from now. When I see the leaves start to drop off the trees in Saskatchewan, will I be craving fresh mangoes and peaches from the Ramallah fruit market? Undoubtedly. But then I think of all the whistles and stares and catcalls, day in and day out.

For some time now I had been pondering what the next step in my life would be. I wasn't sure if my work even wanted to employ me for another year. I suffered a series of frustrating experiences both in my personal and professional life that made me want to get out of here as soon as possible. I was convinced that moving back to Canada was the best option. And then after talking to some people and realizing I had some awesome friends here, I was super scared to leave it all behind.

But in the end I decided to do just that: leave it all behind...well, physically. I know I will carry Palestine and all my friends (Palestinian and otherwise) so close to my heart forever. I fell in love with this land and I know that I will return in the future - how could I not?

A wise friend of mine suggested that it's a good idea to leave something you love before the magic fades entirely. It's true that the magic of Palestine has certainly been fading for a while now and maybe it's for the best that I'm leaving before I get completely sick of this place. But wow, moving back across the world is a frightening thought.

And what am I going back for exactly?

These are the possibilities: orchestra audition; vocal accompanying; Violin/Viola teaching; instrumental accompanying; lessons and masterclasses; investigating possibilities for doing a Masters degree; practicing...

Everyone I talked with told me that the overwhelming feeling they had from me was that I wanted to return to Canada. So why am I feeling so blue? I mean, I can only imagine how hard it would be to leave this place after another year of getting attached!

I just have to take this decision and run with it. At times I'm overwhelmed with excitement at the idea of going back to Canada and starting new projects. And then in the next minute I'm completely astonished that I'm leaving this wonderful land that has captured my heart.

For better or for worse, I'll be on a plane, Canada-bound, in T-minus 3 weeks...