More defamation :)

 

Isn't this so fun?? Let's break it down, shall?  So the story here is that I offered some mental health perspective to this person's sister who posted publicly on facebook. Just a news article. This person then jumped down my throat and asked me to fuck off and butt out. Ok, done.

Now her brother does post some pretty divisive stuff about COVID on his FB and I did comment back quite rudely. I will acknowledge that. However, this statement that this is "consistent, relentless, and round the clock" is utter absurdity. I comment here and there on her brother's posts, but that's it.

She is right that generally I do want to get the last word in!

"Different perceptions and perspectives are communicated to her and she continues to argue and fight. She has the inability to recognize..."  blah blah blah. I acknowledge when other ppl are offering insight and commentary ... that's clear from my comments on posts and my private convo with this individual. So this is totally false.

I do not constantly attack this person and made one small conversation with her. Not sure how that can be miscontrued as inserting myself into every single aspect.

The funny thing is that every single person you would ask about me would say that I am one of the most self-analytical people they know and am incredibly aware. So her opinion is absolutely whack and baseless. 

Beaten with the ratchet over and over and over? Like what are you TALKING about?!

Then she says I can gain her respect back if I become self-aware and realize the damage I caused. Umm, so you want me to kiss your ass while you are allowed to say whatever you want about me publicly with zero recanting or apologizing? Uh no.

This person is sooooooooo out of line. This person took the time to craft this huge facebook status in addition to the huge comment in my previous post, and yet said I have too much time on my hands and spend too much time on facebook.

It's sad but also kind of funny. Like what in the world is wrong with this person??

I seriously think they are enduring some kind of incredibly repressed trauma or even jealousy? Their attacks are so wild and revolting. I mean, who takes to their facebook status to publicly lash out at their own cousin in such a vitriolic call for attention?! Utterly wild!!!

Anyway, I just kinda feel like I need to get some of this off my chest because it does bother me that this person is so vehement, destructive, damaging, and a flat out B*TCH. I mean, there is no other word for it. It's deceptive, disgusting, rude, and, to use her own words: out of control. This is WAY over the top. Bringing a goddamn gun to a swordfight.  I honestly just feel so sorry for this person that they carry to much rage and anger and resentment inside of themselves that they are willing to do this.

If you're wondering if I have the same since I made this whole blog post about it, well it's a response to her lambasting ... also, I don't name her. At the end of her little post, she publicly uses my name.

Catharsis, my dears.

Now I'm off to craft another original tune dedicated to this person!! Mwahahahahha....

Dissecting a public slandering (technically libel, I guess...)

Further to my rant yesterday, my insane family member decided that since I had blocked and deleted her she would get on her husband's account to continue harassing me. I sent him a message and blocked and deleted him too. Apparently this nutcase has another FB account, LOL, so she gets on there and continues the tirade!!

Here's her post - let's have some fun commenting on it :)

yes, I told you to Fuck off H******. Are you so dense that you can't back off from any aspect of my family's affairs. 

I commented on ONE post that her sister made. I posted a tiny paragraph about how children often have different experiences in the same household, and then a news article.  My cousin then messaged me privately about this whole thing and at the end of our conversation she told me to "Fuck off". Ok, cool, done. I did. This response of hers is on her brother's post regarding COVID which I commented on, admittedly quite aggressively.

 

You are acting like a child. Nobody is blowing up your social media accounts because we have more tact and diplomacy. You blocked me because you don't have the ability to self-reflect and realize that you are totally out of control. You are hurting nobody but yourself and your family's reputation.

Acting like a child how? By commenting? Whose social media accounts are being blown up? You and I messaged privately, and I commented on your brother's post. What does it mean to be "totally out of control" exactly? Posting an opinion on social media is totally out of control?

 I would be so embarrassed if I were your parent watching on as you attacked multiple cousins and family members online in a public forum. 

Multiple cousins and family members? Who? Stop exaggerating.

Is it really worth it? 

No, your miserable ass is not worth it, definitely not!!

********** [my dad] was tagged because you seem to really be struggling mentally by attacking your family members relentlessly. (untrue...)

I only wish that I could speak to my father if I was carrying so much hate, angst, and judgement on other family members. --> Victimizing because her father is deceased.

Your attacks on D***** are unjustified and relentless. He has had so much tact and compassion yet you seem to want to be aggressive towards him. For what? Why? Your personal opinions? 

Fair argument. I was rude to D, for which I apologized publicly and privately.

I am aware that you have been attacking other family members on messenger also. (untrue)

Do you need help? Your family can help you with your mental distress. There are local distress centers in your area. If social media is causing you so much anxiety then you simply have the choice to recuse yourself - which you are incapable of doing. Seek help. 

This is called gaslighting and is a well-known tactic by narcissists to call the reality of a person into question and make them seem off-balance.

Or maybe your tagged family member can help you and offer you sound reasoning and advice. If you are going to act like a child, you will be treated as such. 

Please provide an explanation as to how I am acting like a child.

There is no room for you at this table H***** and you need to accept that. Nobody wants your aggression. Nobody here deserves your bullying tactics. You are not being objective. You are not persuading anyone that you are a victim. You need to take responsibility for your own actions and behaviours.

I took responsibility for what I said to D** and apologized. Can you read??

The apology you issued to Dan is not an apology. "I apologize for attacking you personally. To me that's how you come across." - this is not an apology for your actions, words, and behaviours. This is trying to justify your position yet again. Daniel has been so tactful and objective and you still feel the need to grind him down.

I agree that I had a caveat added to my apology that engendered insincerity. Therefore, I edited the apology (while keeping the original to provide accountability) and included that I appear insincere but do want to offer my sincere apology.

You blocked me. You blocked C***. You will no doubt block this account. Likely you will block J*****. Why? Because you open your big mouth, have to endear the consequences, and can't handle them so you make it so that you cannot see or hear that you are wrong. You started this all, and now you can't accept that you made bad choices and have upset much of the family and continue to speak behind their backs.

I blocked you cuz you told me to fuck off. I blocked your husband because you used him to get at me; also he's not my friend so no reason to have him on my list. I didn't block this other account of yours but I sure will delete you cuz there's no reason to keep you on my life. I haven't blocked my uncle yet, but I might if he's an asshole to me. So, what, are your "consequences" that you rake me over the coals and publicly deride me like this is an episode of Game of Throne? I mean, how much time did you spend on all this garbage exactly??

"Upset much of the family"? Like who? So far I'm seeing you and J ... not even D has said he's upset. If people have a problem, they can come to me about it.

I do not believe in speaking about people behind their backs, nor is it good practice or business to speak about them when they are not in the room. So out of transparency, I wrote on my wall about you last night, and I have named you personally, so that all of our family can see. It's an embarrassment to have had to write this. It's likely embarrassing for our family members to have to read this. And it's a tarnish on the S****** family name.

You didn't have to write any of it LMAO. You decided to do it so as to publicly shame me like I am some small child. The only thing you have succeeded in doing is making yourself look like a petty bully. You did not include any specifics. You just made a bunch of defamatory statements without any evidence. What is the point of your post exactly??

So many people are begging you to stop. 

Actually it's just you.

D***** has and you refuse to read between the lines. 

Actually he hasn't.

I have and you refused to read between the lines - so I point blank told you to Fuck off and butt out in a private message. You are not being respectful. You are crossing all sorts of lines. 

An element of truth to this. I could have been more respectful, I will own that.

And many of us commenting and reading along or even receiving private messages about your behaviour (highly doubtful) feel so sorry that you can't give it a rest (you are the one continuing this and clearly being unable to give it a rest...) and leave your family members alone. I've said it - Enough. (Good. Can you STFU now??) You're out of control.

So what do you call your incessant harassment and messaging? Is that not "out of control"?? 

Well that was loads of fun!! I can't respond to this person because they are blocked on facebook, thank god! They are clearly extremely miserable and get off on making others look bad. I feel utterly sorry for them.

Just some ranting

 The nice thing about having a little quiet corner of the internet that no one ever visits is that you can write stuff about the irritating people who cross your path in life!

I'm feeling very unsettled and frustrated today by the gaslighting and vitriolic attack by someone who used to be close to me. They felt a comment I left on facebook was rude and over-the-top. I commented back their own FB status about making things their problem when they aren't. This person was convinced that this was their problem, despite not being tagged in the post or any comments. It was excessive. 

So after their attack, I blocked them. I also apologized to the OP for my overtly intense comment, and deleted that comment. This person then came on their husband's account to post at me YET AGAIN about how I am out-of-control.

I privately messaged her husband that she needs a reality check on what "out of control" looks like, asked her to stop gaslighting me, then blocked him.

Previous to this, I had made a comment on a post by this person's sister. This person messaged me separately and we disagreed about several things in our conversation before they told me to "fuck off and butt out".

This person is a BULLY. They are having their own mental health crisis - it seems to be cropping up in their family due to unresolved and unprocessed childhood trauma. This person seems to suffer from various Cluster B personality traits including Borderline Personality Disorder ... if I had to fit them into a box.

I don't need this person in my life. I don't need their fakeness. I don't need their attacks. I don't need them attempting to control and police my life - online or offline.

I even wrote them a little song this afternoon with all my rantings and ravings. It was fun and cathartic.

As much as I enjoy debating and arguing, and as contrarian as I am, I do not like conflict deep down. I'm an Enneagram 2 - The Helper. I feel most useful when I'm in helping role, and it's in my nature to reach out to those in pain to see if I can assist them. I'm also a therapist and mental health professional so I have training to do this.

That being said, because I like to help, I admit that I can insert myself where it's not necessary. That being said, if you're going to make a lengthy post on facebook about stuff ... to me that's invitation for commentary. If you don't want comments - make that clear, maybe? Then again, I suppose I will take this person's advice from now and on and just "fuck off" unless someone specifically asks me for help.

So I'm a little unsettled about this recent activity. I spent a long time today and yesterday examining my shadows and having some inner dialogues with myself. I can see where I messed up. I don't know if the other person believes they were out of line in any way. Despite my own errors in the situation, I do not agree with their behavior or their public attacks that to me were unwarranted and over the top.

As such, this person is now out of my life! For better or for worse. It is what it is. I just hope it does not have further repercussions on the other people I hold close to me.

Untitled

Today I had one of the most profoundly disturbing experiences of my life.

I was heading down to my internship site after doing Music Therapy observations at the Kansas State School for the Blind, when I received a phone call. It was a young woman explaining that her father lived at the apartment building that I manage and she hadn't been able to reach him for a few days and could she get a key to get into this apartment? I told her that, legally, that wasn't something I could likely do, but I would be more than happy to check on her behalf and then give her a call.  She said she hadn't heard from him in a few weeks and that her uncle had gone to her father's shoeshine store and it turns out he hadn't showed up at work in about two weeks either.

So I stop in at the building on my way.  I knock loudly on the door, and then I knock on the neighbor's door to ask if they've seen this man lately.   They said they hadn't.  So I reluctantly unlock his door and push it open a crack, announcing who I am and that I'm just checking in.  A baseball bat that was propped against the back door falls to the ground.  I don't hear anything, so I open the door a little more and notice a sour smell.  I walk into the apartment inch by inch. The smell is worse. I'm in the kitchen and the bedroom is ahead and to the left.  I see a hand. I think "Oh no."  I say the man's name.  And then I see the rest of him. Lying on the floor next to his bed. Wearing boxers. Puffy. I stare in shock. And then I run out, downstairs, outside.

I call my boss in California. I'm in tears. I tell her a tenant has died and I've found him. I explain it to her.  She says I need to call the daughter. I really don't want to.  So she does. I wait and my boss tells me the daughter is on her way.  I'm so uncomfortable.  There's a dead man upstairs.  A man I knew. 

The daughter arrives and she's inconsolable.  She almost collapses on the sidewalk. I tell her she doesn't have to go upstairs. But she wants to.  Outside the back door, I once again tell her she doesn't have to do this; but she's insistent.  She goes in with her brother and they both break down. It's one of the most terrible moments of my life, witnessing a family seeing their dead father. The daughter is a mess.  I would be, too, of course.  She keeps saying she doesn't know what to do.

They call the police, who arrive along with the fire department and EMTs.  The family and I answer some questions.  The daughter is distraught. It's at once uncomfortable, distressing, and humbling. The professionals are very kind, but a little formal.  I can't imagine doing this on a daily basis like they do.

Detectives arrive and they ask a few more questions.  The family has the keys to the apartment and I tell them that they are free to come and collect his belongings when they are ready to do so and offer myself at their service if there is anything I can do.

I feel nauseous.  I feel ill-at-ease.  I'm just uncomfortable. I keep seeing this man's hand.  His legs. His body.  I never saw his face. The way he was laying, I couldn't see it.  Maybe that's for the best.  He had started decaying.  His toenails looked brittle and white. His body was puffy and swollen.  The smell was unpleasant, although I was surprised it wasn't worse.

The man was black, and every time I saw a black man, I thought of him. Lying there for days, undiscovered.

I can't really describe how I feel right now.  I'm uncomfortable. A little distressed.  Ill-at-ease is the best option. 

I hope I never have to experience this again in my life.

Hold close those who you love.

A little 2017 recap

How sad - I didn't write a single blog post in 2017! Not that I even think anyone out in the universe follows or read this thing any way.  Still, blogging has always been cathartic for me so perhaps it's time to get back into it if for no other reason than as a personal outlet.

2017 was a shitty year in many ways for me - personally.  I changed a lot as a person and I'm still struggling to "find" myself again.  Some of my values took major shifts, and the things that I thought mattered to me seemed to perhaps not matter so much anymore.

So to usher in 2018, I'm trying to focus on tuning in to my intuition, to being more flexible and adaptable, to accept change, to make it through transitions with a little more grace, to make better decisions, and to put myself "out there", wherever "there" happens to be!

I've signed up to take a Yoga Teacher Training Certification at Midtown Yoga Kansas City.  Part of the reason is that I'm inspired to link my love of yoga with my impending career in music therapy, because I believe both modalities are central to rehabilitating from trauma.  And the other reason is that I believe this will be very important to me as a person!  Taking every other weekend to focus on my self, my breathing, my body, my mind, my heart feels important right now.

One thing that 2017 did bring was a new beast, literally: my puppy, Dexter. I didn't grow up with dogs, but found myself wanting one this year.  And when a friend of mine couldn't keep his puppy, I offered to take him off his hands.  So, this little rambunctious ball of joy came into my life and has turned into a big, dopey, jumping, hound.  He's the most handsome man, cuddlebug, shit-disturbing, drool-monster!  He makes me so happy and I'm so glad he's mine.

The other major thing that happened in 2017 was that I started my Music Therapy internship at Cornerstones of Care - Ozanam & Gillis Home campuses.  It's almost over now, just two weeks left.  I've been working with kids and teens with behavioral and emotional disorders - mostly due to early trauma.  I have an amazing team, with my flexible and inspiring internship director and the other music therapy intern who is as supportive and friendly as I could have hoped for.  I have learned SO much and feel fairly well-equipped to begin my career as a music therapist.  As things wind down, I have to brace for another transition, another change.  I feel ready for it...although I'm sure when that last day comes, I will be an emotional mess.

Finally, I lost my grandma this year.  The only grandma I had left.  My mom's mom: Beth Elias.  She was a strong, smart, funny woman.  Her directory of songs and poems and stories was something to marvel at.  She was in poor health, though, and passed in her sleep one night. At least she went in the most peaceful way one could hope for.  Still, her absence feels strange.  And of course I'm so worried for my grandfather. They were married for 60 years, and now he is all alone.  It breaks my heart.

Death....not fun.  Which is why I'm wondering if I should do my final music therapy practicum at a hospice - to face one of my biggest fears.  I hear it is such a blessing to help people transition out of this life.  But the thought of it almost stops my heart with terror.

That's all for now.

Happy New Year everyone!

Ritual

So today, to mark the passage of 2016 into 2017, I attended a Sound Healing and Burning Bowl meditation event at the local Buddhist temple.  It was an interesting experience! I have never been to a Buddhist temple, nor have I participated in a Burning Bowl Fire Puja.  But it seems like a popular event, seeing as I had to wait in line for 15 minutes to get in.  There were at least 200 people in attendance.

Each attendee received a slip of paper upon which they were to write things they wished to leave behind this year.  We were encouraged to write "Anything not serving you."  Really, the paper wasn't big enough for me to down all the things I wanted to burn up from 2016 - but I managed to pare it down to the essentials, which I won't post here because it's all burnt up and GONE!

During the "ceremony", we were invited to chant the following phrase: Om Mani Padme Hun, which means "the jewel in the lotus".  Some guy was playing a large didgeridoo-type thing and a woman was playing rock/singing bowls.  And person was guided to walk to the front of the room and burn their slip of paper.

Since I chose to sit at the back of the room, I was waiting for quite some time to go up and burn my paper.  I was able to let the sounds wash over me and listen to this roomful of people create a peaceful vibration together.  I eventually briefly joined in the chanting, but didn't keep it up for long.  I was thinking about ritual.

Rituals are fascinating.  What is our need to have them in our lives?  They ground us.  They provide clues to our identity.  They link us to people and communities.  And for some, rituals connect them to a higher power.  I didn't feel any of that in the ritual I participated in today.  For me, it was a powerful thing to watch my failings burn away, but it was very personal and didn't have anything to do with anyone else in the room.

I was wondering if there were any rituals that I had.  Honestly, I can't think of any...morning coffee??  And to what does that connect me?  So maybe I should incorporate some rituals into my life.  I'd hate them to be empty, though - but I also don't want to create some phony ritual that I pretend means something when it doesn't.  How does one find a ritual that speaks to them and that gives purpose and meaning and cohesion in ones life?  I don't know, but I'd like to take a journey to find out.

p.s. - See ya later 2016, don't let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out.

Under the Banner of Heaven

I just finished reading the phenomenal book entitled Under the Banner of Heaven, by John Krakauer, about Mormon Fundamentalism centered around the 1984 murder of Brenda and Erica Lafferty at the hands of her brothers-in-law.

I have always been intrigued/baffled by Mormonism/Latter-Day Saints (LDS), since falling in love with one in 2003 at the tender age of 18.  He was my first boyfriend and my first love.  I was head-over-heels and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  Unfortunately, our respective religious views (I was still a practicing JW at the time), weren't compatible.  I faced huge pressure from my parents to avoid him at all costs - JWs are strongly encouraged to only date and marry other JWs.  And I knew he was preparing to go on a mission trip.  Still, I firmly believed we could make things work - and to that end we both agreed to study each other's religion.

I was sure that he would eventually "see the light" after studying with the JWs...but that never happened.  I'm assuming he felt the same about me, but I obviously never converted to Mormonism.  He left on his mission trip to the Philippines in December 2004, my heart broke, and that was that.  We kept in touch for a bit, but we both eventually moved on.  He's now married (to a Mormon) with a young daughter. 

Although the values systems of Mormonism and JWs are somewhat similar - emphasis on the family, reading Scriptures together, chastity, modesty, the command to preach the truth to the rest of the world, blah blah blah - the doctrine is quite different. QUITE DIFFERENT! 

I distinctly recall talking to my LDS boyfriend after finding out that Mormons believed that ancient Israelites had rowed across the Atlantic Ocean in leather boats to discover America, and that Jesus had visited believers on this new continent.  I was baffled - people believed this?! My boyfriend confirmed that, yes, he believes this.  And then the more I read, the wider my eyes grew: temple rituals, baptism of the dead, secret handshakes, men can eventually become gods, the necessity of having numerous children in order to provide vessels for spirits to come to earth, special underwear.  This stuff was super bizarre to me! 

Once it became clear that there was no way in hell I would convert to Mormonism, I left off researching it.  Over the years, references to Mormonism would make me bristle a bit - I was still nursing my broken heart - but mostly I would just shake my head at the inanity of it all.  I left my own religion a few years later, after taking a Judaism class at University and appreciating the banter and relationship that Jews had with God.  As of now, I would characterize my spirituality as non-existent and apathetic.

Recently, via a group WhatsApp chat with my 4 best friends, we started talking about Mormonism after we noticed that many pretentious lifestyle blogs and instagram accounts were run by Mormons.  (For a hilarious parody site, check out Seriously So Blessed.)  One friend mentioned her own in-depth study of Mormonism, and referenced a history of violence and racism in Mormonism that I had not heard before. She suggested I read Krakauer's book, and, the last time I saw her, she had brought me a copy to borrow.

This has been one of the most fascinating books I may have ever read!  And also eye-opening about, as my friend mentioned, the history of violence and racism from the beginnings of Mormonism through to at least the 1970s when the LDS church finally allowed black people to join the priesthood and participate more fully in the religion.

The book chronicles the history of Mormonism since its inception in 1829 when The Book of Mormon was published, through the colonization by Mormons of the Midwestern United States, the defiance towards government by church leaders, and then various sects that branched off mostly in relation to the church's eventual outlawing of polygamy/plural marriage.  All this is told within the context of the 1984 murders of Brenda Lafferty and her baby daughter, Erica.

Although the book contains helpful maps, it would have been beneficial to have had some kind of family tree chart.  It seems everyone is interconnected in some way through varying marriages and step-relations.  To be fair, though, figuring out the family tree becomes a daunting task when a father takes his own step-daughter as a new wife, effectively making the step-daughter a step-mother to her own mother...mind-boggling!

This kind of incest and pedophilia is rampant throughout fundamentalist Mormon communities, and is extremely disheartening.  Families there continue to practice plural marriages, with girls as young as 12 years old being married off to much older men.  These communities are run almost exclusively by Mormons, who control everything from government to banking to policing.  Escape is difficult.

I highly recommend this book!!